Last Accessed April 11th 2025, 1400 Hours [:Username redacted]

Authorized Eyes Only (but Gukgak has read this already… somehow. He left notes in slime.)

📁 GUKGAK DOSSIER

Codename: GUKGAK (legal name unknown), Associate Cryptid Correspondent, Chaos Engineer, Unlicensed Scientist
Species: Unclear. Self-identifies as “bio-sludge with a journalism degree.”
Catchphrase: “I’m just asking questions. And also I’m moist.”
Alias: "The Architect of Static," "Math Goblin," "The Whiteboard Prophet"
Base of Operations: The abandoned server rooms underneath the Newsroom

Profile:

There are people who solve problems, and there are people who multiply them so fast that the universe has to reboot to keep up.
Gukgak is the second kind.

Equal parts mathematician, conspiracy theorist, and gremlin, Gukgak is the Newsroom’s leading (only) expert on the geometry of noise and the metaphysics of attics. He claims to have once “broken causality for fun” and has been banned from no less than three universities and one Home Depot.

In moments of lucidity, Gukgak can diagram the entire ecosystem of thoughtcrime physics — the way stray ideas create soft spots in the attic of the world, the way guilt folds space like origami.
In moments of mania, he draws battle plans against furniture and insists that gravity is “just peer pressure from below.”

His loyalty to Mothra is absolute. To everyone else, it’s… conditional.

Gukgak is fueled by six hours of sleep a week, a diet consisting mostly of espresso and gummy worms, and the firm belief that “the end of the world will be graded on a curve.”

Key Characteristics:

  • Writes ambidextrously and compulsively — surfaces around him are always covered in symbols, coordinates, and gibberish.

  • Views every attic as a "thesis" and every haunting as "an experiment."

  • Owns a backpack containing: three broken calculators, a crowbar labeled "Plan B," a moth net, and a sealed envelope he refuses to open.

  • Talks in the cadence of a TED Talk hosted by a goblin.

  • Personal philosophy: "If the map doesn’t fit the territory, redraw reality."

Known Associates:

  • Mothra: Boss, anchor, one of the few entities he listens to without immediate argument.

  • Aaron Carter (Attic Variant): Fascinated by him; treats him like a cryptid bestie.

    • Relationship: Complicated. Once shared a podcast. Ended in mysterious attic fire. Both deny involvement. Gukgak refuses to be near lighters now.

  • Ronan Farrow: Deeply suspicious of him, but grudgingly admits Gukgak "sees things I can’t."

    • Relationship: Open disdain. Calls him “Detective Papercut” but blushes when Ronan enters the room.

Gukgak claims he once found "Attic Prime" — the first attic, where thoughtcrime was born.
He won’t tell anyone how to get there, but he will sell you a map for three favors, a lisa frank trapper keeper, and a lock of your hair.

Threat Level:

✅ Critical asset to Newsroom operations.
⚠️ Volatile. Do not leave unsupervised with whiteboards or existential metaphors.

KEY THREATS

  • Fluent in Morse Code and dolphin.

  • Lives inside a cracked Brita filter.

  • Allergic to facts.

  • May be in a throuple with two sentient swamp bubbles. Unconfirmed.

NOTES SCRAWLED ON BACK:

  • “Ask Mothra about the cassette tape.”

  • “Aaron owes me 3 ghost dollars.”

  • “Do not microwave the glitter.”